my trainer’s favorite phrase is “pain heals.” i love it. it makes me laugh when i hear him say it as the sweat is dripping down my face during a minute of pushups, but it makes sense, it’s a good mantra for life.
but sometimes i think i get myself into pain i don’t need. maybe i like the pain. maybe i’m addicted to feeling hurt. Maybe i really, really want to heal!! i don’t think that’s it, but i desperately need to get myself out of this cycle of pain. why do i let the shit pull me back down?
today, i feel like a fraud. i’m trying to start a blog about being a strong woman, and i feel about as weak as ever right this minute. i cut someone off and then on cue, they contact me and instead of ignoring it, i desperately get drawn in. pathetic. strong women don’t do that. strong women are STRONG and don’t need anyone to make them feel better or worst. i DESERVE better. i deserve the world. i deserve to be loved.
so mr. who lied about loving me and keeping me in your life forever — please vacate the space in my head that used to be reserved for you and please leave me alone (i know this will be more MY doing than his). stop your controlling games and let me be. let go of your control over me and let me open up so i can find someone who genuinely appreciates me and wants me in their life and can’t live without me. stop calling me names and telling me i’m crazy and talking about me to your friends — you’ve made me crazy and hateful. let me go. stay out of my life. you had your chance.
now back to the topic at hand. PAIN HEALS. trying to put a positive spin on it all. think about all the things you do on a daily basis that can be painful — time at the gym, those muscles feel pain, but it creates strength and new muscles. maybe a conversation you don’t want to have — painful, but thankful you have it and are able to move forward and move into the future. doctors appointments — may be painful, but only to make you feel better.
i have an appointment to have a small procedure done next week — an “outpatient surgery” i think they call it. i HATE the doctors office and HATE needles…but as much as i hate that stuff, i keep reminding myself that on a daily basis, i go through more pain than the pain of a shot in my arm. i can handle a little physical pain. i’m strong, i’m tough. that’s nothing compared to some of the pain i feel in my heart some days.
and again, pain in your heart — it heals…and leaves space for something better to come. it’s been a tough road i’ve been on the last three months…and i’m desperatly clawing my way out of this hole i’ve fallen in, but i do know that the pain i’ve endured, mentally and physically, is only making me stronger for the best and leaving room for the good.
eclectikramblings 