For anyone following my mini drama…
I no longer am speaking to either guys.
My ex went all weird when I called him out on playing with my heart and head and literally told me that he’s going to be in Maine for the next 3-5 years. Oh and he’s lonely. Thanks, but no thanks.
And the other jerk off, in true fashion, is acting like he lost my number and doesn’t know my name.
Good riddance
So I just got off the phone with the ex. First let me say how mentally exhausted I am, which means I’m emotional.
I called him out on playing with my emotions and told him how unfair it is that he tells me now he wants to be with me and see what’s there. In a long story short way of telling it, a) he’s lonely b) he wants to get laid c) he’s not happy.
He literally told me he isn’t sure WHAT it is that he’s feeling. And that he wants to know if something is still there. But he doesn’t know if it will be the same…but that it use to be amazing and he misses that. I told him I’m not flying to the other side of the country for him to not be sure and I’m not waiting for him to get his head straight seeing as anytime we talk about being serious he freaks out and runs away or denies his feelings and reminds me he never wants to be in a committed relationship.
Eff you!
I accepted a job yesterday and will be moving NEXT WEEK!!! Whirlwind, I know!
I will still be living in California – yay! ❤ Making both potential relationships looking like they won’t happen, which I’m ok with.
My ex is super happy for me as he knows the struggles I’ve been facing but sounded disappointed knowing I def will not be moving near him in the future. I still have a lot of questions unanswered and told him he needs to stop playing with my emotions.
The other one doesn’t really seem to care.
I’m excited to start my new chapter and meet new people!!!
My mom always told me the second you get engaged, eligible bachelors come out of the wood work for you. No, I’m not engaged. However, I feel like suddenly I’m juggling guys.
There’s my ex, who I wanted to have a serious conversation with today but instead he joked about waiting for me to profess my love to him. Which I can’t do as I finally did get over him and currently am not in love with him. I was for so long, but today, right this moment, I can’t say I am. Do I miss what we had, absolutely.
It’s heartbreaking to talk to him bc we both can track the problems that caused our relationship to fail. And he’s so proud of who I’ve become today which is where part of this new found attraction is coming from. Could I see myself with him, you bet, we had fun together, life was all full of laughter. But I can’t say I’m ready to uproot and move for him based on the last 6 months.
i told him today it’s not fair her ditched me when my life hit a rough patch. He says that the fact that he is still around after all the fighting, yelling, and screaming just proves how much he does care and that he does have something that keeps him coming back to me.
And then there’s eligible bachelor number two. Someone I’ve always been attracted to but the timing was never right. Someone who also seems to struggle with commitment issues but has a sudden interest in investing in a relationship with me. Someone who also lives not near me. Someone I’ve flirted with, made out with, possibly groped, but have never dated or really even carried on much of a conversation with, until recently. Spending hours talking none sense on the phone…I always thought he had an ulterior motive, but the more we talk, the more I believe him an his genuine interest in me.
What is with these guys and pursuing long distance???? A year ago I went on two dates in the span on one evening…I feel like I’m doing that with these two. Ones on the east coast, ones out west, so it’s like I put one to bed just to speak to the other before he goes to bed! I don’t even want to look at where my cell minutes are!!!!
Neither has “wifed up” and claimed me or asked me to be their girlfriend, so don’t hate the player, hate the game! And since neither is within two hours of me, clearly nothing physical is going on, besides the innuendos (from BOTH) and jokes about the physical effects I have on them (yes they are both guilty of this – guys will be guys).
And I’m just being me. Focusing on me and enjoying the smiles I’m getting from them both. Ideally, tomorrow I will wake up and meet a man that embodies the traits that I love about each of them. There is such a history with my ex and the dangling thoughts of the good we once had possibly becoming even better in a new situation. And then there’s the physical attraction with bachelor b and the giddiness of a new relationship and learning new things about someone.
What is a girl to do???
Go to bed and see what tomorrow brings!!!
Cest la vie!!
You’re ex definitely wants to get back together. And you do. But you also don’t. And you wish you could rewind to a year ago because that first month was dreamy and the honeymoon stage was almost worth doing it all over again. And you feel butterflies all over again. But you know it won’t be easy. And it may not even work. But you know how much he meant to you. And the fun you used to have. But he hurt you in more ways than one. But the chemistry was insane.
Just talking to him I hear how we have both made changes. Which is good. But we’ve been through so much.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure ill end up doing anything actually. Let life take care of this one…
I needed some space to write tonight. Although here I am not completely anonymous, I know people who actually know me (except maybe one) wont see this. And with that said, I can think and get things out without being judged and being held accountable for what I say.
My ex wants to get back together. Ok. Well maybe not back together, but he told me today he will never give up on me and now that things have “settled” he wants to know what’s still between us. Ughh. Talking to him was so bittersweet today. Reminding me how much fun we used to have and how much we laughed together. That was the man I fell in love with a year ago.
I’ve always said he had an insane pull on me and we have an Indescribable chemistry. I thought it was just me. Now I know it wasn’t.
My friend got married yesterday. It was a sweet wedding. Now I’ve never been that girl that has dreamed about her nuptuals, but speaking to other couples last night about how the “knew” it was the right person…I’ve had that. A friend of mine was saying “oh yes I knew the night I met him that I’d marry him” — but wait…I had that too.
We are literally at opposite ends of the country now and every time he speaks to me, he asks me to visit. He says he’s still attracted to me, more now.
Obviously I’m not going to act on any of it. I’m going to keep doing my thing and if fate interferes in some crazy way and we cross paths, then I guess ill deal with it then.
Thanks for listening! Just needed to get it out without getting a nasty text from my sister or interrogated by others.
I’m shutting this blog down due to the fact that apparently someone felt the need to share my inner most thoughts with people who are not even a part of my life or haven’t been for over three years.
I feel completely betrayed and hurt.
Just like every thing else that has gone on this year, this too has been destroyed.
“When do you throw in the towel? Admit that a lost cause is sometimes just that? There comes a point when it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That’s when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all.”
As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never been a size zero tiny girl. I’ve always been the tallest in my grade, tallest of my friends, and taller or the same height than most guys I know. Growing up with dreams of being a professional athlete, I learned how to keep up with the guys at an early age. I could go toe to toe with them when striking a tennis ball, and often was just as strong as they were.
So to this day it isn’t mug of a surprise that I keep this mentality. I train hard and love when I out lift the guys and the trainers give the Guys shit because “dude, a girl should never press more than you!” Standing at 5’11, I guess I have a presence that I never really understand. To me, I’ve always been this way, so I don’t even feel that tall or big anymore, it’s just how I am.
So lately I’ve been putting the extra grunt work at the gym. Turning my hour a day training sessions into two hours a day, upping my weights, increasing the running, etc. We did resistance work yesterday (running with a resistance band while being held/resisted against). I LOVE that kind of training! Big, hard, strong strides make me feel super strong and what this body was built for. A short distance sprint while pulling weight. (Sounds like I’m taking about a horse – which yea, some days I feel like one). My trainer said doing it with me was a workout for him. The others e had no issues, but I force him to use all his muscle. Then I did them again today with my friend that I lift with twice a week. I practically pulled her over. We decided I needed to carry an extra thirty pounds or use two resistance bands to help her resist. It put me in a bit of a weird feeling. I lie that training and it makes me feel so strong, but then all of a sudden it makes me feel like a massive mule. Then looking in the mirror, all I see is a disgusting cow looking back at me. Am I strong or just grossly huge??
I was shopping yesterday in Macy’s in the dress area of the store when all of a sudden a lady working there turned the corner and shocked looked at me like I was a monster and exclaimed, “you’re so tall!!!!” “Um yes?” Was my reply. What was I supposed to say? Sorry? Yes, my dad is tall? There are women taller than me?
It kind of bothered me. It wasn’t a positive tone she used, but a scared one. Can I control my height? No. Would you say something to a short person?? I kind of took offense to it ad let it bother me a little.
I’ve always loved being tall, but now that I’m getting stronger, I’m worried I look like a massive ogre. I understand it takes a secure man to be ok with a chick who wants to try and go toe to toe with him in the gym, and there aren’t many out there. Luckily some of the guys I train with are macho enough that they are secure enough to admit I’m strong, but not stronger than them! I’m working on leaning out, but the frame I’ve been dealt and born with is one of broad shoulders and strong legs, so it is what it is.
In the meantime, I still think strong is very beautiful and can only hope others see it that way, or at least the people who matter in my life (or will matter in my life) agree!
Til next time, keep calm & stay strong!!
My mom came across my New Years resolutions from since I was about five years old til I was 15. As nostalgic as it was, there were a few consistent themes that ran through year after year.
I couldn’t believe that since I was able to write, I was on myself for my weight. “Snack less, exercise more” “jump rope at least 100 times a day” “snack healthy on fruits or veggies” “workout more,” etc. Year after year it literally weighed on me.
Was I a fat kid? No. Was I ever skinny or tiny, no. I was always the tallest one in my grade and never small, but not huge either. So where did this body image stuff come from? Was I born with image issues? Was it unintentionally passed on to me? Did someone make fun of my weight at a young age and it stuck for life? It’s crazy to realize that at 7 years old, I was hard on myself for my body image and 22 years later, it remains to be a daily struggle.
Another consistency in my resolutions was “to be happy” and “try my best always.” I laughed seeing that my none year old self was in search of happiness back then…little did I know this would by a life mystery to most. To this day, one of my goals is to find what makes me happy and to be happy.
I am thankful I was raised to set goals and expect better from myself. At a young age I was taught to try my best and do my best and it holds true to this day. That way of thinking has gotten me far and has helped me reach many goals.
So with the year winding down, what goals did you set last year – and did you reach them? What’s on the agenda to accomplish next year? And how will you support yourself to make those goals come true??
Dream big, work hard, love the battle!
eclectikramblings 